Up & Up

too-hard-on-yourself-quote

I have been meaning to write a blog post since moving home from Charlotte (I can’t believe I didn’t even write when I was there! I’m pretty sure live FB videos win over a blog so if you saw all of those, bless you!) BUT I’ve been really busy with the move and adjusting to life at home. It’s officially been ONE WEEK AND 5 DAYS BACK IN BUFFALO!

First things first, I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE HOME! Which is crazy for me to type and comprehend as I was super pumped about this change when the teaching job and move to Charlotte was finalized in June….

Secondly, I need this tattooed on my forehead–“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” But FOR REAL, I beat myself up DAILY for quitting. Giving up. Throwing in the towel. However, you want to label it. I STILL feel the most bad for my students because they are innocent and did nothing wrong but were impacted the most by me quitting. I had parents tell me that they are young and resilient but that still didn’t lessen the wound for me.

I have to keep reminding myself that I made the decision to quit on the sole purpose that I was unhappy. I was so very tired of being knocked down time and time again between school, roommate issues and battling homesickness. Enough was enough. For those of you that are friends with me on FB, you can attest to my updates, lol!

The synopsis of the whole journey is that I know what I stand for and what I believe in and I was tired of being jerked around in more ways than one….

I applied June 16th for my license and it was STILL pending when I quit. During the first week that I was in Charlotte when I visited my principal, I was told that I would be paid as a sub because of said pending certification. But I emailed the HR director a very well-thought out e-mail about how I made the long trek to Buffalo in my little car, took the seats out, my life was in storage, etc. etc. I didn’t include this in the e-mail BUT if I wanted to sub, I could have stayed put in Buffalo. Mind you–she never responded in e-mail and neither did my principal.Anyways, she called me when I was at Coach Summit in Nashville a few days later with the great news that I would be able to submit a screenshot of my pending certification and be all set to be paid as a certified teacher. (I MEAN HELLO–I taught in NC before!!) My friends in Nashville bought me drinks that night, we all celebrated the good news!

Then I came home to Charlotte and started attending the training. Naturally on the second day of training my name was read off a list and I was told to meet in the back of the room. (BAD KID ALERT) There were a few teachers who stood in the bad kid circle and I knew what was happening. My heart was in my throat and I could tell it wasn’t good. They were going to take back the certification pay. I thought I was going to throw up. Now to some people in the circle, they had spouses who had high paying jobs and it was optional for them to even go to work. Not for this girl, I moved my whole life just me–myself–and I for this job to Charlotte. I was already IN THE HOLE from moving people! I cried a lot. The entire drive home. Sorry for those who saw on snap, lol. Contemplated skipping the next day. Skipping the rest of the week. Packing up right then and there. Looking back, I should have done it.

However, a voice inside me told me to stick it out and just count on the fact that my certification had to come through eventually, right?! I mean they were going to back pay me one my certification came in and I would survive. I mean shit, I just bought my first ever brand new big girl bed counting on this teaching salary but sure I’ll get paid as a sub! (Insert sarcastic eye-roll here)

Well as the weeks went on, the expectations at school, dealing with that crazy roommate and homesickness–everything just kept building and building. I woke up with such a heavy weight on my chest–EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I was beyond miserable, I pressed snooze about 16 times, was lucky if I showed up at work showered and in my uniform. I counted down the hours during the day in my classroom, went to bed miserable, dreaded grading, dreaded weekends of lesson planning. I found very little joy in daily life. I mean sure my kids gave me a sense of purpose but that was always faded by the insane expectations at school. I could have pushed on but being away from everything I knew and what made me happy was in Buffalo. My only saving grace were a few work friends, my runs on the greenway and knowing I could nap when I got home–that is not a lie.

I found myself asking, “At what point, do you sacrifice so much of your happiness and quality of life for a job?” FOR REAL–When do you say enough is enough? I think I said this already lol–I was getting iced coffees and bagels every damn morning out of exhaustion. I was equally exhausted and miserable after work that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but sleep. I had ZERO ambition to be up any earlier than I needed to. I was slowly unraveling and becoming EVERYTHING I didn’t want to–FOR A JOB. This wasn’t me. I couldn’t live this life any longer and I made the change. Sure it was uncomfortable and cost more money to move home I personally believe in my heart that happiness has no price.

Now that I’m home, I’m turning a new leaf. I’m spending time focusing on me. I am finally back into a routine at home–EVERY.SINGLE.DAY this week, I have chugged my energize (preworkout) and gotten up to workout. Sure, there are days I would rather sleep but I know I need a good workout and there is no negativity of a job impacting my functionality. I then make my Shakeology right after. No excuses.

I job search, apply to said jobs, find time for family, friends and the things that make me happy. I went to a puppy class with my mom last night with Willow and it was adorable! I met some of my team out for drinks last night (I did not have any, I must report!) I also met a friend for lunch today who I knew solely from the gym and then we connected on Instagram. Then decided to get my nails done. Because why not? I am also thrilled to report that I have an interview on Monday for a special education position!!

Things are on the up and up my friends. Update soon.<3

therearetimesinlifeyoujusthavetocutyourlossesregroupmoveonwithyourlifeandneverlookback_zps0bbf0fd1

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